there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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