Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize