White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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