I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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