And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
