Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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