12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
