I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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