How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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