I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
