it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
