If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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