I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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