I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
