Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
