Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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