Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize