i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
