Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
