Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
