u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
