What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
