I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
