no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
