never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
