i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
