There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
