no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I want her autograph on my taint
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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