so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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