i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
