i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
