i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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