guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
