...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
