matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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