Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
