I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
