i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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