I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
