so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
