I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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