decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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