K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
