we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
