Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
