So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
