He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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