did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
