I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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