I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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