I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
