Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize