I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
