It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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