if you like me you must not know who I am
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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