I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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