i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
