Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
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