I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
