considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
