mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
