My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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