So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
