yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
