We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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