Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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