I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
