its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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