i just sold back the books i vomitted on
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
