ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize