Me too!
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
