thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
